but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
