I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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