I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
