Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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