john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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