the condom got lost in my hair
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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