once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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