my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
be right there i have to get my cape
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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