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Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
