Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
