PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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