Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
