i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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