I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
