Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
