just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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