nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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