I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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