I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
