I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
