Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
