My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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