Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
