It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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