remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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