Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.