This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
