I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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