You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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