I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
