I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
