So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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