just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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