First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Small penises have feelings too.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
