i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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