I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
