My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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