Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
