omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
