Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
