before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
