Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
