sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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