if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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