matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
