he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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