I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
