The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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