I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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