dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
