You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
