I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
