I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
