I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
