They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
