Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
