Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
