Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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