So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
