I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
